Hanna's Thoughts

The chaotic thoughts of a freelance software engineer.

The Downward Dysphoric Spiral

I came out as trans around June of last year I believe, near my birthday. It's certainly experience, questioning your gender, and while I do certainly think of myself as female, I can imagine myself wearing dresses, wearing feminine undergarments and doing other things such as wearing makeup occassionally (which isn't necessarily feminine!) there is those times where I just start to feel a sense of unease, a sense of uncertainty, a sense of worry and dread that either I'm lying to myself, or that I will never look like what I want to. This is compounded by the fact while some of my family is definitely accepting, my mom and sister know about me considering/being trans. However there is members who are highly religious to the point to where coming out as something like trans would basically out me, and this is hard to deal with in the long run, as it prevents me from reaching goals such as starting hormone replacement therapy and buying things like dresses, skirts, bras, tights, stockings, and other feminine clothing.

A month or two ago my family went to a clothing outlet store and it was torturous, not being able to look around the female clothing without being in fear that I'll be judged or outed due to my interests in female clothing. I secretly wear things like bras, hair clips and bands, and other female clothing when I'm in private, but it doesn't feel right not being able to do that outside of room without my door being locked. This is something that most if not all trans teens or adults who live with parents or even flatmates deal with, and it truly sucks.

This post is more of a rant or vent than it is something for someone to read and go off of, it's not technical, it doesn't discuss anything other than personal experiences and frustrations with the LGBT community and how cruel the world is towards them, in specific people who are transgender. Religious prejudice and evangelism is an issue in our society, and while I am to an extent religious (I believe in a higher power), I can't help but hate many religions for their views and egotistical envangelistic prejudism on things like homosexuality and transgenderism. I feel like religious prejudice is one big reason for why dysphoria exists, among other reasons I won't be going into as I don't have even knowledge on the subject.

One thing is for certain, being trans isn't necessarily a "choice", maybe for some it is, I'm not going to disreguard the idea incase I'm incorrect, but for me, and hundreds, thousands of other people it is not. It is something we live with every single day of our lives and it is torture, not only because we hate our bodies, not only because we hate our voices, but because our society in it's current state makes it harder on us, harder than even our own issues in some cases, if not a lot of those cases.

One way or the other, I am a girl, I'm a woman, and wether or not people can accept that is not my problem, but the sad thing is it is. I deal with hate, targeted harassment, threats, bullying, fear of my family and hatred from religious groups, being declined from things such as health care, jobs, among hundreds of other things simply due to something that wasn't my choice, something that isn't within my control or power.

That's about all I have to say on this subject, I've vented out my feelings out this point and feel a bit better. Whether you're trans, gay, bi, or something inbetween or otherwise, stay strong. You'll achieve your goals, even if I might not I'm sure you will. I'll push forward, I'll keep going head strong, not only for myself, but for my partner(s), for my friends, for the family members who do know, for the people who have stood beside me the entire time.

Tags:  JournalPsychology